Hi Ladies...

I'm a married black man living in NYC with a ton of female friends. I am not bad to look at and have a pretty good personality. My question is this:

Where do you ladies think the line is drawn between flirting and actually cheating on your woman?

Is it just a physical thing (i.e. kissing, and/or everything else that follows) or can there be to much of an emotion connection....can you be too intimate with a female friend although nothing physical happens and she respects your wife and marriage??

Ooooo, jj, what did you get caught doin'?

Nah, just playin'.

I've never been married, so you should probably take my opinion with a grain of salt.

I think it's all about communication. When you're in secure, mutually satisfying relationship, I don't believe that an innocent flirt (e.g. smile or touch on the arm) is out-of-line. For me, the line would be crossed if he decided to share something of himself that we had already decided is for me only. The biggie, obviously, would be his body. That is for me alone once we're married.

I'm still not sure about the intimacy thing. I feel that once you're intimate with someone, whether physically or emotionally, you've already a bit more than just a friend. I guess that would start up the old the old argument, "Can men and women be just friends?" I would hope that I would be my man's best female friend and that he could come to me with anythnig that he had on his mind. If my man was afraid to come to me with somethiing that's weighing on his emotions, there's probably more wrong in our relationship that just some harmless flirting or girl-watching.

Now, if it's something he feels he needs to share with his boys, I would have to respect that (might not LIKE it), but I realize there is "men talk" just like there's "women talk".

Now, knowing women as I do, and as your wife probably does, you must realize that amongst those "ton of female friends" are some that are conniving and scheming. They're waiting for either you to slip up or your wife to slip up so they can pounce. If you are truly just being a friendly, outgoing person, you need to make damn sure that your flirtations can't being taken for anything more than friendly gestures. And please, don't go yakking to your female friends about what goes on in your home. It's none of their business and is a violation of your spouse's trust.

So I guess the bottom line is, if it's bothering your wife, cut it out. Ask yourself why you would need intimate attention or an emotional connection from a woman other than your wife. Better yet, flip the script. How would you feel/react if some dude were "flirting" (however you define it) with your wife?



BTW, how old are you? This question seems to come up frequently from people who got married too young.

SouthCali

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. First to answer your question I'm 31 now married at 26. Was I too young ...ahhhh...maybe by a year but thats about it, we're all different and can't truly be grouped together, you know what I'm saying?

But you bring up some very good points. In actuality you mentioned being able to respect it if the intimacy was shared during "men talk" ...does the gender of the friend weigh in that heavily. I find that most of my conversations with my male friends are more superficial while my more serious conversations are had with my female friends. I find that women tend to be better thinkers in regards to issues not to mention their understanding of emotional situations. The two sexes don't compare when it comes to serious and in depth conversation especially those regarding relationships and the differences between male and female.

So what is your opinion on male and females just being friends?? So are you saying that amongst these female friends, one has definitely got to be scheming. Would I not be considered "used"? Is it acceptable to these type of women to be "stealing" someone elses man....especially a married man??

Please educate.....and how old are you by the way (just trying to put your words and experiences in context)

Thanks Babe ! Later

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. First to answer your question I'm 31 now married at 26. Was I too young ...ahhhh...maybe by a year but thats about it, we're all different and can't truly be grouped together, you know what I'm saying?

But you bring up some very good points. In actuality you mentioned being able to respect it if the intimacy was shared during "men talk" ...does the gender of the friend weigh in that heavily.

-I believe that it's highly unlikely that your male friends will have an ulterior motive while listening to you pour your heart out. IOTW, the odds that they're trying to get in your undies are small.

I find that most of my conversations with my male friends are more superficial while my more serious conversations are had with my female friends. I find that women tend to be better thinkers in regards to issues not to mention their understanding of emotional situations. The two sexes don't compare when it comes to serious and in depth conversation especially those regarding relationships and the differences between male and female.

-This is where my previous caveat comes in. I've never been married or in love, so my perspectives are apparently skewed (so I'm told) from the rest of the female population. Yes, women tend to be more emotional. Problem is, there are situations where logic and common sense need to prevail. Thinking something through is one thing; thinking it into the ground until your mind is spinning in circles is another matter. Men tend to listen to the problem then come with what they believe needs to be DONE. Not talk about it until they're blue in the face. Personally it drives me straight up the wall when someone wants to talk to me about the same problem with the same man again and again. Just my observation, which is worth about $.02 on the open market.

So what is your opinion on male and females just being friends??

-I would like to believe that it's possible, but it hasn't happened for me yet. One of us always ends up wanting more. If we're both down, great, if not the tension sends us our separate ways anyway.

So are you saying that amongst these female friends, one has definitely got to be scheming. Would I not be considered "used"?

-I'm going off your statement that you have "tons" of female friends. If your "tons" is more than 2 or 3, I'd be willing to bet that at least one of them has or is developing feelings of some sort. And honey, people use each other every day of the week. To me, life is one big negotiation, everybody needs something.

Is it acceptable to these type of women to be "stealing" someone elses man....especially a married man??

-Obviously it isn't acceptable. Speeding isn't acceptable either, but we do it everyday. And if a man can be "stolen", did his spouse/significant other really have him in the first place?

Please educate.....and how old are you by the way (just trying to put your words and experiences in context)

-I turn 40 this year.

Thanks Babe ! Later

The bottom line is still your wife. Do your gestures fall outside of her comfort zone? If so, you may need to modify your behavior. I have to wonder though whether your flirting is a new behavior or not. Did she not notice this part of your personality before you were married? And now that you've been married for 5 years, why would she expect you to change now? (presuming her discomfort is the impetus for the question in the first place)

South Cali

You are dropping some real science in your replies. I thank you for your insight.

You are 100% on the mark when you say that women can try and talk a subject into the ground. Turn it inside out upside down while a guy would have come up with a logical solution/ opinion 1 minutes into the conversation. I'll never understand that and life is too short to talk everything to death.

And actually my wife doesn't have any dicomfort (not that I actually think she knows how tight me and my female homies actually are). My reason for originating this query was purely me just being curious to learn how other women thought about the matter.

Thanks alot for the replies Sweetie and take care !!!

Peace.